Last week Daily Anchor Editor Ella Keeven wrote a great article about her frustrations with job hunting in a recession, “If All This ‘how-to…’ During A Recession Advice Worked, Then Why Don‘t I Have A Job?!”
While Ella offered great insight into how to better position yourself in a job search by thinking of yourself as a product and a prospective employer as the customer, I’ve found another novel approach to the recession job search…
A colleague forwarded me the following Craigslist post, and while it’s wholly vulgar and wide outside the usual tenor of The Daily Anchor, I thought many of our readers would relate to this one man’s frustration.
Kids, don’t try this at home.
_____
via Craigslist:
I Need a Fucking Job:
Fine, Don’t Fucking Hire Me, You Can’t Handle My Shit
Date: 2008-12-02, 10:34PM CST
What the fuck people! I need a motherfuckin job, and I have a resume that says I am fucking fit to be your goddamn front desk/administrative assistant. I have applied to a ton of jobs on here, and not one of them responded, WHAT THE FUCK?!
Cover Letter? Here’s my fucking cover letter!
Now, I’m really low on money, and I’ll suck a dick if I have to…that’s right!
Got a bear in your backyard that keeps eating your garbage? I’ll fight that motherfucker and I’ll win! Can any other prospective employee say that?! FUCK NO! What’d you say? You lost your keys? FUCK IT! I’ll shoot the goddamn lock off your door with my laser eyes! That’s how bad I need a motherfuckin job! Your brother is gay and you’re not cool with that? I’ll de-gay him with reverse buttsex. Don’t believe me?! Then hire me and I’ll fucking show you!OBJECTIVE
I need a motherfuckin job.SHIT I HAVE DONE
-I invented the moon.
-Atlantis was around til 1988, but sunk when I shot out of my mom’s vagina like a silver bullet into a wolverine.
-I am also a wolverine.
-Had sex with the Spice Girls.
-The blowjob machine was originally my idea until that bastard Clint Eastwood stole it.
-I have prophetic visions of the apocolypse.
-Watched the movie “Juwanna Mann” at least 18 times. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0247444/
-Created a new genre of dance in which people get so into it that radiation waves pulsate off of them, I like to call this the microrave.
-I reverse engineered a door, I now know how it works.
-When I was 8, a frisbee flew into my backyard and I blew it up with my mind.
-My brother is the Eiffel Tower
-Direct descendant of Beowulf
-Can make weapons out of anything, very useful in a hostile work environment
-Beat my pornography addiction when I was 19
-Proficient in Microsoft Office and PhotoshopRELEVANT WORK EXPERIENCE
GlomGlom Corporation of Evil Doing
POSITION: Front Desk/Administrative Assistant
DUTIES: Setting up sex scandals in which to blackmail wealthy politicians, forwarding email, burning down the houses of the poor, loan sharking, answering phones, greeting clients in a manner that would frighten most peopleGreenHate Enterprises
POSITION: Once Again, I was a fucking Front Desk/Administrative Assistant
DUTIES: Organizing the dumping of bio-waste into the ocean, peeing in lakes, digging holes to fill with garbage, making garbage out of perfectly good and useful items, filling said wholes with said garbage, creating fake facts about Greenpeace and publishing them on the internet(I am internet savvy), good at filing…documents of hate.REFERENCES
Glomgor Evil
GlomGlom Corporation of Evil Doings
gorlock@peanutbutternipples.comSloblor the Muck Monster
GreenHate Enterprises
sloblor@greenhate.comSo, now that you know the real me, are you gonna hire me or not? I would like to remind you that I can make weapons out of anything.
Sincerely,
Steve Madonna
Photo credit: yipemike
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Unemployed for just under one year now. Game industry is (was?) my landscape. Recently had an interview with a company that offered a position I “thought” I was qualified for with 5 yrs XP on that landscape.
HR sends me an email stating, ‘Now we are not hiring. If you are still looking in a month when we are hiring again, we’ll pick up where we left off.’ (Insert WTF? here.). I give them that month and another week to go with it because I don’t want my excitement, passion and enthusiasm for this opportunity to annoy HR and It’s currently my only option for work. Another email comes, stating that they would not move forward with my application because they still weren’t hiring, it was very hectic there and they still didn’t have a lead in place for the team and they really did not want to bring anyone else in. There are no jobs here currently. (Insert WTF? here.)
I failed the interview process because I was depressed and in an awkward state of being that I could not hide. Even so, I have the XP, can do the work, and would have been better off if they had let me on the team. I know this. I am not an interviewee. I am not good that that and never will be. I simply, CAN DO THE JOB but the interview process is the same standard every-time and makes me feel that I am being evaluated for (Insert WTF? here.). A tip for those who work in HR. If I am not what you are looking for, just tell me instead of making up a bullshit tale. They hired people the next fucking week. I know because it was a former associate of mine. They are still hiring.
Anyway, I saw this after typing what most people type when in the state of mind that I am in. This is what I am left with. I have no other options now. I have been at this for a year. I did it for three years some time ago. I just need someone to say YES, or just tell me the truth. I will let this influence my resume/cover letter because I have come this far.
Thank you all, have a great day if you can.
yours truly -thomas blackheart a.k.a. thomas cappelli
HA!! I also Googled ‘I need a fucking job!!!’ After visiting a thousand supposed job sites that keep offering me jobs 150 miles away from where I live I gave up and exploded with rage, which was instantly diffused upon reading this. Maybe he really did explode the frisby with his mind haha. I don’t care, this is going on my CV
legend.
I just googled ” i need a fucking job …com. and this is what I found. All I can say is awesome and well said..
I NEED A FUCKING JOB!
I need mony
this is how I feel. Damn. Every time I do a job search, fill out the looooooooooong application on the website, I hit a glitch. “Are you looking to further your education?” Now most of these sites won’t let you ‘not’ choose. You get me? Some say ‘skip’. I skip ’cause I just went through the educational bit and got my BA. Whew! Or some will take you on a path to $9.95 to update your resume BS. Invariably, whatever I do, within minutes I get a call from a ‘higher educational’ company that doesn’t ask if you are interested. They just go into their spill. No asshole, I did not ask for you, did not press the button but you’re still calling me, from filling out an application for a job. What kind of scam is this? Craigslist used to be something to ‘be careful with’. Now it looks like a Godsend. Wow! Where are the fcuking jobs? I got the degree now…where the fcuk are you? And higher education companies, stop calling me to push more education on me for a better job? Hah! Stop playing with me.
This is one of the most awesome things I ever read!
Weellll i got new fucking Job for all u this is the best Job u can suck my cock all year no stopping and u will let me fuck all your familias send. U asss hole
I also just searched “I need a fucking job” and found this.. perfect. I’ve been thinking of writing cover letters that begin with “READ THIS PIECE OF SHIT AND HIRE ME” or something similarly obscene.
Jesus I think I’ve finally got it..
Self-employment, I’ll be my own boss and I’ll even hire some of you guys, I pay well but there are a few benefits.
I’m going to start dealing drugs again, I’ll need people to run around and do some “trafficing” while I set up potential big time buys and suppliers. I’ll hire a few women to pleasure these people and while I’m at it, I’ll have to hire some muscle and possible some guns.
Oh shit.. I could sell guns to other countrys to kick the shit out of ours and open new jobs here. I’ll use it as a “front” for my drug smuggling/dealing.
Benifits include: company cell phones, sex on the job and killing assholes who’ve fucked us before.
For more info. please visit: http://www.fuckunclesam.org
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