Best Craigslist Job Hunting Post Ever (Warning: vulgar)

by Andrew · 346 comments

Last week Daily Anchor Editor Ella Keeven wrote a great article about her frustrations with job hunting in a recession,  “If All This ‘how-to…’ During A Recession Advice Worked, Then Why Don‘t I Have A Job?!

While Ella offered great insight into how to better position yourself in a job search by thinking of yourself as a product and a prospective employer as the customer, I’ve found another novel approach to the recession job search…

A colleague forwarded me the following Craigslist post, and while it’s wholly vulgar and wide outside the usual tenor of The Daily Anchor, I thought many of our readers would relate to this one man’s frustration.

Kids, don’t try this at home.

_____

via Craigslist:

I Need a Fucking Job:


Fine, Don’t Fucking Hire Me, You Can’t Handle My Shit

Date: 2008-12-02, 10:34PM CST

What the fuck people! I need a motherfuckin job, and I have a resume that says I am fucking fit to be your goddamn front desk/administrative assistant. I have applied to a ton of jobs on here, and not one of them responded, WHAT THE FUCK?!

Cover Letter? Here’s my fucking cover letter!
Now, I’m really low on money, and I’ll suck a dick if I have to…that’s right!
Got a bear in your backyard that keeps eating your garbage? I’ll fight that motherfucker and I’ll win! Can any other prospective employee say that?! FUCK NO! What’d you say? You lost your keys? FUCK IT! I’ll shoot the goddamn lock off your door with my laser eyes! That’s how bad I need a motherfuckin job! Your brother is gay and you’re not cool with that? I’ll de-gay him with reverse buttsex. Don’t believe me?! Then hire me and I’ll fucking show you!

OBJECTIVE
I need a motherfuckin job.

SHIT I HAVE DONE
-I invented the moon.
-Atlantis was around til 1988, but sunk when I shot out of my mom’s vagina like a silver bullet into a wolverine.
-I am also a wolverine.
-Had sex with the Spice Girls.
-The blowjob machine was originally my idea until that bastard Clint Eastwood stole it.
-I have prophetic visions of the apocolypse.
-Watched the movie “Juwanna Mann” at least 18 times. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0247444/
-Created a new genre of dance in which people get so into it that radiation waves pulsate off of them, I like to call this the microrave.
-I reverse engineered a door, I now know how it works.
-When I was 8, a frisbee flew into my backyard and I blew it up with my mind.
-My brother is the Eiffel Tower
-Direct descendant of Beowulf
-Can make weapons out of anything, very useful in a hostile work environment
-Beat my pornography addiction when I was 19
-Proficient in Microsoft Office and Photoshop

RELEVANT WORK EXPERIENCE
GlomGlom Corporation of Evil Doing
POSITION: Front Desk/Administrative Assistant
DUTIES: Setting up sex scandals in which to blackmail wealthy politicians, forwarding email, burning down the houses of the poor, loan sharking, answering phones, greeting clients in a manner that would frighten most people

GreenHate Enterprises
POSITION: Once Again, I was a fucking Front Desk/Administrative Assistant
DUTIES: Organizing the dumping of bio-waste into the ocean, peeing in lakes, digging holes to fill with garbage, making garbage out of perfectly good and useful items, filling said wholes with said garbage, creating fake facts about Greenpeace and publishing them on the internet(I am internet savvy), good at filing…documents of hate.

REFERENCES
Glomgor Evil
GlomGlom Corporation of Evil Doings
[email protected]

Sloblor the Muck Monster
GreenHate Enterprises
[email protected]

So, now that you know the real me, are you gonna hire me or not? I would like to remind you that I can make weapons out of anything.

Sincerely,

Steve Madonna

Photo credit: yipemike

{ 346 comments… read them below or add one }

Caz March 4, 2013 at 9:20 pm

In the same boat and certificate and a Diploma up the whazoo applied for all jobs around here but I aint flaming 18!!! Even applied for jobs an hour away. I have a kid too. I’ll be heading towards the drinking sink water soon before I let my kid starve. Stuffing everyone says oh get a job.. I say well bloody give me one. I even said give me a job to Centrelink funny how they haven’t given me one. And since when did volunteering pay the bloody bills and keep a roof over ones head???? I say bring back all the jobs that have been lost over the years and by the way people that think these automated machines in supermarkets are awesome… How many jobs just went huh??? Do you ever think of this shit?? Hell no and you all call yourself smart..
I am a qualified teachers aid special, administration assistant as well (Diploma of Business Administration) Front line Management certificate previously managed a video shop and where the hell is my job. It sucks being 39 a Mum and unemployed..
So does someone wanna give me a fkn job?

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nothingsurprisesmeanymore February 28, 2013 at 3:04 pm

Dear “Me too”,
That chicken shit restaurant that fired you for going to a funeral? You should try and expose the company on some reality type TV programme. Failing that just nuke the place for morbid!

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Laura McGlinnen February 22, 2013 at 3:13 pm

Well, where do I start. Been unemployed by choice (!) since 8/2010. Had to leave a government job after an 11 year career; labelled as a “troublemaker” and sent to an
offsite warehouse. Am college degreed (2). Applied for a Patient Care Coordinator and was told that “there are more qualified candidates”.
What do I have to do, what do I have to say to be hired????

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ab February 22, 2013 at 9:31 am

You know why is the HR industry thriving throughout the world today? Bcoz those idiots don’t do their job properly. If they placed the right people in the right places, there would be few people leaving their jobs and the empty positions would get filled with the right people. But if that happens, what would all the recruiting agencies do? These recruiters don’t even have the patience, ability and mindset to actually read through a CV and try to understand really where that person could be placed. There is so much reliance on the software to dig out relevant resumes from the pile, but are these recruiters search engine optimisation experts that they will search with all the possible keywords? and what about the meaning of phrases and sentences? Is the machine going to do the work while you hit the search button with your ass on the chair? Cover letters and CV writing skills and all that crap is just an overhype. They want an applicant to be good at all – i mean all the shit! To come back to the point, if more and more people and companies keep struggling to find the right fits for their situations, recruiters are happy making more and more money. So that’s the reality. Apart from that it’s the limitations of human abilities. For fuck sake who can really judge someone based on what they have written about themselves? Does nobody believe that a person could be a superman but also be humble enough not to chat shit through his resume? So you would let the superman fly by cuz you just want someone who says that he has done exactly what the role requires. You would not even think for a second about the so called “transferable skills”, right? That’s what recruitment has come down to these days. Fucking morons. Apart from this shitty reality there is a lot of prejudice that rules at all the levels. In the UK they talk about globalisation, global markets and all that shit in business schools while their closed minded industry (by the way industry is made of people), most of which is made up of SME’s, has no fucking clue about the world outside! Unless you speak with one of the accents from the island, you won’t be seen fit for most of the proper jobs (ooooh yea, we want to keep the fucking english aura intact no matter what, we are smug to be ignorant) In the IT sector they got no choice but there you go, most of it is back-end, doesn’t affect the bloody aura. While the industry is keeping the younger generations too busy with all the fantasy stuff i.e. games, media, entertainment, (and do not forget the drugs)… and too much of it… only a select few will grow up to understand concepts of international relations, race relations, macro/micro economics, politics, etc. The vicious ignorance is breeding everywhere and that is at the bottom of the big pile of shit. So imagine who is recruiting who. The system works one way and that is to suck the money into the local economy by whatever means possible. Therefore UK is a marketing success (their polytechnics turned universities/educational shops and the bloody sad stone henge) and they suck at customer service (yea the cold attitude comes handy too). Anyway, whoever is jobless these days needs to keep faith that their time will come. And in the meantime make sure to survive doing whatever possible, be open minded, afterall if you do not have the time, ability or opportunity to do something of your own and must find a job, remember, it’s just a fucking job. do it with passion but don’t forget that it’s not your life.. it’s just a fucking job. don’t take it so seriously that you ll lose your interest in life. Survive! and even if you find a job that you thought would make your career, there is no guarantee that it is going to happen, so understand that basic truth. It’s you who will build your career no matter what job you do. Relying on the industry out there to change your own life is the biggest mistake that one can make.

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Dennis February 14, 2013 at 3:38 pm

I
NEED
A
MOTHERFUCKING
JOB
FFS…..

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james fuckingjobless February 1, 2013 at 5:48 am

I need a fucking job. we have to apply and get a interveiw to lift fucking boxes? i WANT A MOTHER FUCKING JOB!!!!!

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Me too January 27, 2013 at 5:06 pm

I worked in a chicken resteraunt for 3 years until they refused to let me off work for a funeral. I was working nights at the time about 40 hours a week, occasionally working overtime. A former version of myself would have been shocked that my employer would have refused me a day off to be a pallbearer in a funeral….nothing surprises me anymore. I went to the funeral anyways, knowing I would suffer the penalty at work. I had never been written up before, but boom I was fired. I’m actually a pretty damn good worker, but that doesn’t matter. A resteraunt will always have someone else to hire. Applied as a fireman, police officer, more restraints, considering millitary….gotta do something. I’m out of gas, out of food, almost out of money, been drinking water from the sink past two days. Walking around applying especially at resteraunts because I’m hungry now. Least I’m not alone! I’ve got you people for moral support. What am I gonna do? Sonic has 50% off on footlong hotdogs feb 2nd. I’m gonna buy me one and eat half for lunch half for dinner, then I’m gonna go apply at this local place that packages duck calls. If I get this job I swear I will save 20% of every paycheck I ever make. I’ll be damned if I’m gonna be caught broke when the US goes into a revolution. I have peace knowing that I would have been a very successful hardworking land owner about 200 years ago. In those days a man’s time was worth another man’s dollar. I was just born in the wrong era. I have a degree but in my state I’m required to work 800 hours with no pay and after that time I will be evaluated to see if they want to hire me. Sounds wrong to me. Well probably not the time or place but if anyone out there needs an experienced shadow priest for RBGs I’m kind of amazing. At least for tonight.

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COOCAMUNGAS January 23, 2013 at 11:57 am

THIS IS MAD CRAZY!!! I TRY SOOOO HARD TO FIND A BUMBA JOB AROUND THIS PLACE ..I KEEP SENDING RESUME AFTER RESUME AFTER RESUME TO ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE WHO ARE LOOKING FOR WORKERS..BUT YET I NEVER HEAR A WORD BACK FROM ANY OF THEM. WHAT IN THE WORLD AM I SUPPOSE TO DO?? YOU SPEND MANY OF HOURS WORKING ON THIS RESUME AND COVER LETTER SHIT TO MAKE IT SOUND LIKE YOUR A PERFECT MATCH YET THE WAY THEY MAKE YOU WRITE IT SOUNDS FAKE TO BEGIN WITH. COME ON JERKS! LET ALONE ANY ONE CAN LEARN ANYTHING IF THEY TRULY WANNA LERAN IT SO WHY DO THEY MAKE IT SO FOOLISH. MOST TIMES PEOPLE WITH NO SKILL CAN DO BETTER THEN PEOPLE WHO ALREADY HAVE SKILLS SO WHY NOT GIVE THEM A CHANCE TO LEARN AND GAIN EXPIERENCE…MAD SICK AND CRAZY! THIS SOCIETY IS GONE BAD YOU SEE SO MANY PEOPLE WHO LIVE OFF WELFARE WHO ARNT EVEN NEEDING THE MONEY DO TO SERIOUS ILLNESS ..THEY RUN GONE OFF HAVING MANY KIDS JUST TO GAIN MONEY CAUSE THERE LAZY FUCKED UP ASS’S ARE TOOO FUCKING LAZY TO WORK YET THE GOV KEEPS SENDING AND SENDING THESE BIG BAG OF NO GOOD PEOPLE MONEY …WHAT HAPPENNS TO ALL THE HARD WORKING PEOPLE WHO ARE TRYING TO DO THE BEST THEY CAN JUST TO MAKE ENUFF MONEY TO LIVE?? OH YEAH THEY GET TREATED LIKE PARASITE WHILE ALL THEM NO GOOD WELLFARE FOKES ARE LIVING UP WITH EVERYITHING NEW , GET THERE RENT PAID FOR, ARE DRIVING CARS, AND GETTING EVERYTHING ELSE THEY WANT!!!!!!!!!!!!. ITS SO SICK!!!! IM LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE A PART-TIME JOB BUT STILL I NEED TO FIND MORE DAMN HOURS!!!!!!!

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Hugh G Dick January 14, 2013 at 12:09 pm

This is the funniest thing I’ve read in ages. I wish I’d written it. And like I totally relate dude!

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Unemployed January 10, 2013 at 7:32 am

Wow as somebody wrote already, typed I need a fucking job in google. sitting home for more than 8 months. looking back it seems i have wasted all my life for nothing. what was the point of trying so hard as a student if this is what I was heading towards. What a waste, I have been regretting doing everything I did for the past 24 years of my life. what a waste, what a waste…

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Victorious December 27, 2012 at 11:57 pm

pussies…find anything and survive…that’s all human beings can do. or Pray to your fucking god to give u a fucking job. if that does not work, at least die trying for a job…learn from animals …i don’t think they complain about anything… and do not cry like a baby for a job…what you get is what you deserve…I’ve been jobless for the last 6 months b’coz i’m not getting what I’ve been looking for…..to pay my rent and for food i deliver flyers & newspapers once a week and I make around 400 dollars a month (that’s right i work 4 days a month)…that’s all i need every month..im not after fancy phone or a car or television or internet at home…i go to my local library and use the facility….I have applied for 100s of jobs and nothing to my liking…but I am still positive something fucking will come up …i believe presently i deserve this that’s why i m getting it…it does not matter even if i don’t get what I am getting now…i am going to try my luck for another six months…then u will hear about a new ass-ass-in in town… hahahahahahaha…

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fuckuy February 4, 2013 at 12:16 pm

have you been an asshole for long, or is this something new?

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Lola Shamola February 24, 2013 at 9:08 am

That took some work…huh?

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WreckItorFuckItRalph February 27, 2013 at 12:55 pm

Dude…fuck you!

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cball December 27, 2012 at 12:24 am

our coutry is being turned facist. they’re treading on our rights.
guard your guns. stand your ground. work together because united we are the people.

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Allan December 20, 2012 at 9:48 am

googled “fucking work” & found this website I can relate to most all of the posts , ain’t this economy a bitch if you are not qualified to scratch your own ass some dumbass company will hire you or you can suck the goverment dick & live decent but if you have worked all your life & have viable skills your fucked , no job for you & no goverment help either because you have worked all your fucking life!!!!!!!!!! Fuck , Fuck , Fuck makes you wish you had never worked a fucking day in your life don’t it ??? at least then you could qualify poverty level goverment life

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Kelly February 22, 2013 at 4:06 am

Same shit is happening in Australia people. Everything has gone to the absolute fucking dogs house. (Aussie term) W…..T…..F!!!!! The dogs house is just about what I’m going to be able to afford and nothin else.

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over the cokoo's nest December 16, 2012 at 11:12 pm

I’ve been at this dog eat dog world of unemployment off and on for over 7 years now. Longest job I had was when I was in college ten years ago bar tending which I held for 3 years until completing college. I believe I am done with this “I need a fucking job” shit. This culture in the US (my only experience) is gone to the damn dogs. It’s becoming so damn self-centered. One word fukas: Philosophy, has gone to shit. 20 very young kids killed in a school? WTF!? Mental illness? Come’on, give me a break. WOW, hey! This new plague called “metal illness” is sweeping across America causing generation “mental illness” busting into schools unleashing black death.
Where the fuck has the unity gone exactly? You know all you fukas that can’t hold or get a job are just simply lazy or mentally ill, right? Here, take anther fucking personality test!
This country is so due for a revolution, it’s sick…Where do I sign up?

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WreckItorFuckItRalph February 27, 2013 at 12:44 pm

Yeah…it’s fucking tough all over. You think that belittling people with mental disorders make you a fucking tough man? It takes MONEY to survive and dont mean SHIT…even if you are missing your goddamned limbs. Or was a victim of mental rape, bullying, and molestation. So for you to fucking say that people with mental disabilities are ruining your chance of getting money or a job….that’s heartless as shit. You ask if you wanna sign up for something? Sign your own goddamned death warrant you ignorant dick weed!

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WreckItorFuckItRalph February 27, 2013 at 12:49 pm

People with mental illnesses wouldn’t work with your shitty ass because they’d would either shoot you or cut your head clean off…just saying people like you are easy targets for people with mental illnesses. Watch your head!

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